This morning was a tough one. Right as she was putting the final touches to her make-up. It was hard and painful. Another episode, a first in the morning. Her back against the wall, left hand on her chest. The kind of pain that hit her today is similar to the one she had a few years ago.
See, she was fresh from high school and had made a new friend. A cute, nicely shaped tall dark skin friend. She liked him. He kinda liked her too, in the way she liked him, she thought. They were adventurous. This friend made her feel important, he made her dream and dare. This friend. Then her curiosity got the better of her and she poked her nose into places and discovered things. Well, the cat still lives. Things not very nice for her heart. There was another; prettier, fuller, more sophisticated than her. Well, the rest is history, at least she discovered things early before she created a fool out of herself completely. And that shit hurt.
Last night, she longed for a hug, a call, a talk. She tried the talk, didn’t go as well as she wanted it to. She cried a little, assured herself that brighter days were ahead, remembered her family and smiled. Sleep was very elusive last night but it finally came. Morning. Waking up has become a real struggle lately, snoozed her alarm 3 times today.
The wave of thoughts that she had been ignoring all along broke the barrier and there was a tsunami. Sitting or laying down would only encourage it and work would be off for the day. As she holds on to her dear self, scenes flood her head, all not pretty and it is painful. After 15 minutes of unfathomable pain, and a headache present, she walks out of the house with a sober face, like any other normal morning.
Nix is tired. And sure as heaven, she is not the only one. Brought up to be kind to others,seeing good in others and never letting anyone look down on her. She is not made of steel, none of us is.
We all reach our breaking point and I think that is okay. Coming back from that point better, stronger without any resentments is the hard part … But unto us grace has been given …